Context-Free Game Quotes! 2022

Les Hostetler | December 3, 2022 | Game Quotes | No Comments

12-31-22, Arena Night

Damien with whip in hand: “I know I’ve seen one of these in Mom’s room!”

“We’re gonna need a bigger island!”

“So, right now, you’re kind of… frictionless?”
“I don’t know that there’s friction involved, but it is a grip.”

“You have me between a silence and wet place.”

12-28-22, Reindeer Wars

“Even if your game sucks, I’m still impressed by the tech.”

12-23-22, Strange Aeons

“The owner of the Silver Wagon has zero interest in you widening her shit-pipe.”
[long awkward pause]

PC1: “Does anyone in this party have a spyglass?”
PC2: “No. Only rich, pretentious assholes use spyglasses.”
PC3: “Stealing from the rich and pretentious does NOT make us rich and pretentious.”

“My methods are my own.”

“We’re killing everyone in town! It’s the only lawful way!”

“Wait; Did he just close a door with one of our party members inside? That’s a Skip move!”

PC1: “Don’s being a dick!”
PC2: “No, I asked him to.”

“Your scouting sucks! This is not want I would call ‘abandoned’.”

“It’s my fault. I trusted you. I won’t make that mistake again.”

12-18-22, A Team

“You talk a lot of shit for a guy whose heart is in my backpack.”

“Hey man, we climbed up a giant turtle’s butthole. Your threats mean nothing to me.”

“Thirteen attacks? That’s thirteen chances for a fumble!”

PC1: “You have overestimated my strategic abilities!”
PC2: “That will be your undoing!”

12-15-22, Age of Ashes

PC1: “That’s the worst pep-talk I’ve ever heard.”
[pause]
PC2: “It’s all I’ve got.”

ALL: [like the Christmas tune] “It’s beginning to look a lot like a bloodbaaaaaaaaaath…”

“I’m going to play dead by… being dead.”

PC1: “I may be the bloodiest backpack in the world…”
PC2: “But you’re OUR bloody backpack.”

“Shut UP, backpack!”

DM: “This campaign actually has a pretty good track record for rescuing prisoners!”
PC: “Anything more than one is a new record.”

“Tell her my ‘confidence’ is growing!”
[pause]
“For any daughters in the room, I’m sorry.”

“Stupid math!”

PC1: “If we slit her throat… then we don’t have to worry about her.”
PC2: “Um, Dad? What the fuck!?”
PC1: “I’m just saying!”
PC3: “Wait, who are you even talking about??”

“This is why it takes so long for us to get nice things.”

12-9-22, Quarantine With The Classics

PC1: “He’s happy, but he smells.”
PC2: “Hey! I took a bath! I’m wearing patchouli!”

“Eclavdra is the Elon Musk of the Underdark.”

“I mean, he’s got one horsepower.”

12-8-22, Age of Ashes

“Hey! You keep your power where it belongs!”

“It’s only unlawful if you get caught.”

PC1: “I’m trained.”
PC2: “Potty or house?”

“You’re a backpack – be quiet.”

“I’m going to kill him with death.”

12-4-22, B Team:

PC1: “You beat me by .01?? You suck.”
PC2: “No, I’m just better than you, I’ve known that since birth.”

PC1: “Who among us hasn’t wanted to stun a hobbit?”
PC2: “Jeez, every day, really.”

“Don’t touch the bulge!”

“I’m going to rip the pants off the dead hobbit…”
[General Laughter]

“Apparently, we have a necro-perv monk in here and ’50 Shades Of Titus” in the other room.”

12-3-22, QwtCs:

PC1: “We ate Chaotic last night.”
PC2: Yeah, it’s repeating on me.”

12-2-22, BDC:

“It’s just not a session unless Les goes unconscious three times.”

“We’re talking about consistency here!”

“I’m not useless – I’m disabled!”

PC1: “I don’t think that I’m a tramp…”
PC2: “It’s physics!”

“I’m like a dwarven Hot Pocket!”

“What’s your nude AC?”

11-26-22, BDC

“Yeah, yeah… suck my strap-on.”

“I’m in the decline of my life, so I’m happy!”

“The bush was definitely beaten on those!”

“Engorged! That’s a funny word.”

“Ok, this could be the vodka talking, but…”

“We need our moistener up here STAT.”

“A Web spell?? That won’t be useful against flies!”

“A flaming dwarf? I wasn’t expecting that.”

“I believe that’s called a ‘Dwarven Brazilian’.”

11-14-22, Big Muddy Game Day

“Is that Benny Hill music out here playing in the background?”

“I don’t think we have to worry about running out of ammunition, we’ll be dead long before that.”

“I’ve never played a game with Zulus in which they’ve ever run out of Zulus.”

“Our orders were to secure the section of road. We had anti-tank guns but didn’t know how to fire them. While a tank was approaching we hid in the brush along the road and were watching a YouTube video on how to fire the gun.”

“The Russians sent in riot police. We knew they were riot police by their tactics. We said to each other, ‘Are they mocking us or are they just stupid.’ After that we just wiped them out.”

11-13-22, B Team

“I am going to lawfully good knock him into the sea.”

11-12-22, QwtCs

“His moral compass spins like he has a stereo magnet in his pants.”

11-11-22, Age of Ashes

“Even though dragon’s can’t write, if I could control the alphabet, I would put U and I together.”

“Quick! Start cleaning!”

“I’m an effing dragon – why can’t I write??”

“It’s the Haunted Hot-tub of Kalistria!”

“Hey! She *said* she was level 19!” “But she looked level 22.”

“Well, it *says* hand sanitizer, but it’s really multi-use.”

“All along the walls, you carvings of elves going at it.”

“They’re not slaves. They’re addicts.”

“I’m glad they are GLADiators, and not SADiators.”

“I’m not racist against black people! I have a Spanish girlfriend!”

“Hee-haw? You mean Monty Python for red states.”

11-6-22, A Team

“Even *I* heard that divine voice!”

“Either we’re going to make some incredible strides, or you’ll never see us again.”

10-30-22, B Team

PC1: “I’m a sorcerer and an Aasimar, not a bard!”
PC2: “You have bard-like tendencies!”
PC1: “Does that mean you think I’m gay??”
PC2: “Yes, we think you’re gay.”

DM: “C’mon, it’s a play! How dangerous could it be?”
PC: “That’s what they told Lincoln!”

10-29-22, QwtCs

“Never again with the Invisibility… I couldn’t trust these guys when they were visible!”

“Storm… do what comes natural.”

“Let’s just say, I’ve tied a few guys up in my time.”

“NOBODY expects spider-centaur!”

PC1: “Now that Storm’s here, he can suck out the poison.”
PC2: “It might take a lot of sucking!”

“The drow gets blown back off Pog… wait let me rephrase that.”

10-28-22, BDC

“I didn’t murder anyone! *Gravity* did him in!”

“He said ‘surrender,’ sugar!”

“You bastards! It’s *Lasagna Day*!”

Cleric: “I’m going to be dead soon.”
Ranger: “But we just got here!”

“Here comes the starknife.”

“Also, the columns are magic!”

“Wait: are you waving your regular white flag, or the *special* white flag?”

“Get your healin’ ass out there!”

“We’re not going outside!”

10-23-22, Strange Aeons

“Coming this Christmas: ‘Matthew McConaughey Has To Die’.”

DM: “You’re a wiener.”
PC: “I’m 13 foot but the wiener is 12.”

“Get ready Elib, it’s working.”

PC1: “Why do you have a severed baby picture?”
PC2:” You don’t??”
[later]
PC2: “Facebook blocked my severed baby picture.”

NPC: “Whatcha doing?”
PC: “Distributing justice!”

“Are you done breaking and entering?”

10-26-22, A Team

“It was the right thing to do… and a tasty way to do it!”

“We don’t negotiate with tentacles, dude.”

10-14-22, Age of Ashes

DM: “He casts Dominate on you.”
PC: “Hey! That’s Damian’s mom’s job!”

10-9-22, B Team

“Elves – their arrogance always outstrips their ability.”

“He hates poor people. I get that – everyone hates poor people. I’m still going to kill him though.”

10-8-22, QwtCs

“It’s raining morlock.”

10-7-22, BDC

“He died as he lived: moistly.”

“If there’s one thing every dwarf loves, it’s having an elf pee on him.”

“Using a molotov cocktail to get rid of nose and ear hair is called a ‘dwarven brazilian’.”

“A flaming dwarf? I was not expecting that.”

“We need our moistener up here STAT!”

“Sonja’s gonna hate this.”

“A Web?? That won’t be useful against flies!”

10-3-22, Age of Ashes

“I’m making a bar fight happen while this is going on.”

“He was Doug-ing it hard!”

“I *vaguely* remember the prostitute with the cigarette.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just smart.”

9-28-22, A Team

“Oh! My holy nuggets!”

9-12-22, B Team

“I don’t think there’s a drinking age in medieval fantasy – hell, there’s no drinking age in modern Italy!”

9-11-22, QwtCs

“He’s from the highlands, you know.” [pause] “Sheep country.”

PC1: “Does this hole look big enough for Helios?”
Helios: “That’s affirmative.”
PC2: “All we have to do is get his head through and he’ll be fine.”

“No offense, but we really can’t milk you.”

“He’s lucky I didn’t put a mandible up his ass!”

“We try to keep NPCs safe, but it never works.”

PC1: “Do I have to be alive or this plan to work?”
PC2: “No! That’s the beauty of it.”

“People at the store say I’m condescending… I just tell them to fuck off.”

“I cut off the guy’s hand and make myself a flail.”

NPC: “What have you been up to?”
PC: “Mostly slaying.”

“I’m a wheat.”

PC1: “Oh look, they are coming toward us.”
PC2: “They must be friendly!”

“Wait: they were so woke that they took the women’s cocks away??”

“A lot of people don’t realize the Rings of Power were toe rings.”

All: [where’d you learn to make a vodka martini?]
PC: “I was always the bartender in boy scouts.”

8-28-22, Traveller

“I scream at the bot: where is the fucking Clonazepam??”

“Captain Black is a pipe tobacco, for pete’s sake!”

“She has the luxury of doubt.”

Security Bot: “How many people have you shot?”
PC: “Two-ish”

“Weapons? ME??”

“Her loyalty might be… available, at the moment.”

“That’s a whole other syndrome.”

“OK, I’m trying to plug that guy in the can.” [General Laughter]

“I’m a Kentucky vampire-hunter and this is my holy water.”

“I’m going to shoot him in the white meat.”

“She doesn’t want to kill anyone at the table.” [Pause] “That’s the DM’s job.”

“Cash bar? Oh, well, they’re dwarves, that makes sense.”

“Gnome Solidarity? ADVANTAGE!”

“IIIII feeeeeel betterrrrrrr!”

“I have become wise in the ways of shutting the fuck up.”

[Derbyshire accent] “I got to be refreshin’ mah page!”

“Would you like to see my cold-iron cocoanut?”

Monster 1: “What happened to you?”
Monster 2: “A paladin scared me to death. You?”
Monster 1: “I missed an attack and gave myself an aneurism.”

“Hey, why don’t you pick on something with your own armor class!”

“Oh god, it’s ‘theater of the mind’, I looooove that.”

“Your mom has skin!”

8-21-22, A Team

“Where’s my drow bib? I need my drow bib!”

“He’s promised me a rumspringa on my sky-whale!”

“We do NOT make deals with red-headed women!”
“That’s a life lesson, right there.”

“We’ve been failing forward for YEARS!”

8-20-22, QwtCs

“We’ve tied ourselves together in the least homosexual way possible.”
“Pole to pole or hole to hole?”

PC: “But in Pathfinder, it doesn’t work that way.”
DM: “I don’t care what Pathfinder says!”

“There’s a glowing loincloth hanging on the doorknob.”

DM: “You may release your bowels.”
PC1: “Oh, I plan on it.”
PC2: “That’s a free action.”

“He’s at zero hit points, so he’s technically disabled.”
“But as a consolation, he gets a much better parking space.”

“So, a masterwork sling?”
“Well, more like a mistress-work.”

DM: “The only thing you have remaining is your wits…”
PC: “We’re in trouble.”

8-15-22, B Team

“Flat footed! Check it and see! He’s got an AC of 23!”

PC: “So many Disney movies in this one kitchen!”
DM: “Be our guest!”

“I can’t believe you have to roll a nat 20 to stop some grape juice.”

“Next you’ll be saying there’s guns everywhere!”

“Bladed tree, oh how I fear thee, and the blood beneath your limbs.”

“G N O M E S O L I D A R I T Y !”

“Let’s see how they react to the song that never ends!”

PC: “I prefer to sleep on the floor.”
Innkeeper: “You still have to pay for a room.”

“Donner, party of seven?”

“Commies? OUT!”

“We’re radio silence right now.”
“Oh, I didn’t hear about that.”

“Death to the proletar- I mean, Hail! Hail to the proletariat!”

“Hi, Kevin from Terrorist Marketing sent us.” (rolls a 10)
“There is no Kevin in Terrorist Marketing!”

“You can’t Windex farts.”

“Put on your good clothes, because I’m taking you to church.”

“It’s an emotional support steering wheel.”

“Parking meters? You mean ‘street pinatas’?”

“‘Intelligence’? That’s something I don’t care for.”

“I said I was a barbarian, I didn’t say I was smart.”

“Wait: don’t take that as inspiration.”

“I’m going to throw as many grenades as I can into it’s mouth.”
“Does it even *have* a mouth??”
“Any orifice will do.”

“I *am* ambidextrous… I just didn’t think it would come up.”

“Any of these pills look like a good time.”

“Are we sure that it’s ‘tear-stained’?”
“Why don’t you lick it and find out?”

“I’m just here to inspect your chest.”

“You hoooo, candle fixers!”

“C’mon – same team, dude!”

“I am *not* down with the fungus.”
“Agree, never trust a mushroom.”

“We need a designated maniac.”

“I’m in for the soup… I’m in for the salad.”

“They’re common in Europe, they ride dinosaurs and shit.”

“Can you see this?”
“I’m on drugs, of course I can see it.”

“But my bees!”

“I don’t have lips… anymore.”

“He’s civilized! He’s not a ‘Ghoul Gone Wild’.”

“Standard kelp check.”

“This is a non-growling situation.”

“You’ve robbed me of my zombies!”

“You need to be more specific about exactly who are the ‘aggressors’.”

“I’m going in – head first and lance out!”

“I run and I poke… also, I’m good at combat.”

“Ahhh, the ol ‘snatch-and-sap’!”

“Everyone gets ‘Cult Weekly’?”
“I only read it for the articles.”
“I’d sure summon *that* one!”

“I may be chaotic but I’m still a nice fella!”

“I earned a minor in Giant.”

“We’re not Paizo here, buddy!”
“Let’s keep religion out of it.”

“If it doesn’t have a tail? I bail!”

“It’s an AirD&D!”

“I was a druid like you, until I took a plumb bob to the knee.”

“I’ve got to ration my rage.”

“Nobody likes a Verm-blocker.”

“I’m not going to get left behind by you clowns!”

7-31-22, Traveller

“Asimov was a pussy.”

“It was a mindfuck using Ajax a lubricant.” [silence] “That’s my medical opinion.”

PC1: “We never leave without a load – that’s our motto!” [silent pause]
PC2: “That’s not a good motto.”

7-30-22, QwtCs

“I have to check the wisdom of a worm… not too good.”

“I want to be out of the line of slime.”

” I have… resources.”

“Ok, let’s unfucking fuck this goat-fuck.”

“Codpiece check!”

7-29-22, Age of Ashes

“There’s no racism in Katapesh, only prostitution and drugs.”

“That makes FAR more sense.”

“No one expects 12 seconds of excitement!”

“Give him another beer, and then I will try a Medicine check.”

“That’s the fungus version of racist!”

7-26-22

“Fewer teeth means more boiled eggs.”

7-22-22, Strange Aeons

“i’m trying to say that in a quiet yell.”

“I hit a motherfucker with another motherfucker!”

“You want the breather or the drooler?”

7-17-22, A Team

PC1: “Should I hit that?”
PC2: “I would hit that.”

“I can protect her from the creature, as long as it doesn’t come back.”

“… like Bill Murray as Hercules.”

“Jukin’ out an angel is not good for your afterlife.”

“Well, that’s a tragic turn of events for the Optimist Primes.”

7-15-22, Age of Ashes

“They’re evil, but they’re surprisingly progressive.”

“Common?? That’s for commoners.”

“I went to the Red Pyramid and all I got was a lousy Verm.”

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a five-foot step.”

PC: “What does that do?” DM: [visibly shaken] “I dunno!”

“What is a mob to a king? What is a king to a god? What is a god to… an intimidating paladin?”

“Yes, you’re all Hasted. The bard cast it on everybody. He also cast Silence so you probably didn’t hear it.”

PC: “That’s a big bone-efit.”
ALL: [Laughs in French]

“Looks like bacon’s back on the menu, boys!”

“He’s got two tickets to the crossbow show!”

PC1: “I still have that bag of clothes…?”
PC2: “Wait: *human* clothes??”
PC1: “It’s a long story.”

“Hashtag: naked packmaster!”

7-14-22

“Some call it obvious. I call it ignorance.”

7-10-22, B Team

“I can take an alligator.”

“If there’s only three more, we’re fine. I mean… if there’s only three more, I’m fine.”

7-9-22, QwtCs

“Max damage? On a fart joke?”

“A dragon? It’s probably just 25 kobolds in a trench coat.”

7-3-22, A Team

“What I have no problem believing is that we are on a lower plane of Hell and bureaucracy is a thing.”

“Hear, the haunting call of the Bardii!”

“Anybody want to get big?”

“I’m here to hang with everyone, but this isn’t cool.”

7-1-22, BDC

“One more room? Yeah, let’s do one more.”

“STOP USING THE CLERIC TO CHUM THE WATER!”

PC: “See anything?”
DM: “Yeah, he can see your lungs.”

“I’m a ranger. That means I’m a hunter, NOT a gatherer.”

6-24-22, BDC

“Mark me down as scared AND horny.”

“What snakes and fetchlings do on their own time? I don’t care.”

DM: “Do you guys want me to leave the room?”
PC: “Yes, but not for the reason you’re thinking.”

“This country is about to get a whole lot gayer.”

6-19-22, A Team

“I can try to Dispel it, and if I fail, it only kills all you ground-walking fuckers.”

“Do you kiss your barbarian mother with that mouth?”

6-17-22, BDC

(yelling) “We’re from White Moon Cove, and we’re here to help!”

“Everyone knows that if you want to kill the Council, you first have to take out the cop at the door. It’s common knowledge.”

“I’ve been in a lot of whorehouses, and this is barely a whorehouse.” (pause) “That’s whore-talk for this is a nice place.”

“This is an upscale brothel. It doesn’t smell like the *sea*.”

“We’re thinking about branching out into some entry-level human trafficking.”

6-12-22, B Team

“Get your smooth-talking ass up here to the front line.”

“And by I, I mean Titus.”

6-10-22, Age of Ashes

“It’s tough to combine gaming and a Porky’s reference.”

“He was distracted by his outer monologue.”

“Sorry, I’m talking out loud.”

“You gotta ‘double Dick Cheney,’.”

“I kneel to cheez-dick.”

PC1: “Sir, why aren’t you flashing your dick.”
PC2: “Why didn’t you??”

“She was like a vampire Capri-Sun.”

“In Pathfinder Second Edition, dying is easy. It’s *comedy* that’s hard.”

DM: “Remember, bleeding is a free action.”
PC: “Oh, I’m aware.”

“Hook on the door handle? Really?? I never saw that coming!”

“Dibs on the unbuckler!”

6-5-22

“We’re trolls – we don’t care about physics.”

“The Great Troll Circle Jerk of 2022 was a success!”

“We’re going to start calling you ‘Your One-ness’.”

PC1: “I’m still a female!” PC2: “The day’s not over yet.”

5-29-22

“Apparently, 15th refresh is the charm.”

5-22-22

“I think he’s muted at both ends.”

5-20-22, BDC

PC: “Our cleric is an accomplished forger.”
Cleric: “I have four points in Calligraphy!”

PC1: “C’mon, they’re not that big… it’d be like wearing a German shepherd.”
PC2: “I’m not doing that.”

“Point me at ’em, Peach!”

PC1: “So… this is a squash court.”
PC2: “With pillars in it?”
PC1: “Ok, an *advanced* squash court.”

5-8-22, B Team

“It’s an emergency response squid.”

“Catapulting flaming pigs into the water has got to be the worst battle tactic I’ve ever heard of.”

“I don’t know what a geas is, I just put arrows in shit, man.”

5-7-22, QwtCs

“You can eat fire giants. They’re considered medium rare all the time.”

“Sketches or it didn’t happen.”

5-1-22

“The hoof is on the other shoe now!”

“She married for love, not for tech support.”

4-29-22, Age of Ashes

“That is some top tier camel junk right there.”

PC1: “Wait: we’re going to jerk off the camel so we can get it’s sperm and take it back so we can impregnate the other camel??”
PC2: “Yes.”
PC1: “I’m not doing that!”

“Jazzclaws!”

PC1: “Remind me to put on some Depends.”
PC2: “Twelve seconds of *incontinence*.”

“That would be a *carnal* Knowledge check.”

“I am a meatshield! Just like my father before me, who was a meatshield… for a relatively short time.”

4-23-22, Strange Aeons

“Oh, I am so going to General Zod this bitch.”

“Dodge balls!”
“Yeah, suck it, Dick-Puncher McGee!”

“I’m a fancy orc!”

“You did EIGHT TIMES your normal damage! Good job!” [general applause]

“I’m disappointed in myself.”

“I love your boner for murder, your throbbing erection for death.”

4-17-22

“I attempt to strike up a conversation with the battleaxe.”

“That is some high quality cow tippin’.”

4-16-22, QwtCs

“We got something invisible behind us shooting me in the ass.”

PC1: “I wish to entertain this lady with a javelin.”
DM: “Is that a euphemism?”
PC2: “Sort of like a hotdog in a hallway.”

“I don’t even know what Teleport means! It’s just gibberish, blah blah blah…”

4-15-22, Strange Aeons

“It’s been a porn movie of an evening, because everyone’s getting fucked. All we’re missing is the music and Ron Jeremy.”

“Apparently there’s an Elvish prince in here. I’ve sent him my email address and my bank account information.”

“Have you NEVER watched Scooby Doo??”

“Someone tried to sneak a bottle in their pocket and I noticed it.”

“I don’t trust the boot by itself.”

“We’re between a rock and a blood place.”

“We’ll get back to dying later – what are you doing??”

4-3-22, A Team

“We are the least prideful creatures on this wretched plane.”

“He’s still taking to Nearly Headless Nicki.”

“I’m not sure that it’s… *entirety* evil.”

“I llama-bang every weekend!”

“We are immaculately wasted in paradise. Gaming is not a good idea. Please don’t jill everyone off while we are gone.”

4-2-22

“It’s a ‘man’s’ nine inches.”

“To the Food Court!”

4-1-22, Age of Ashes

PC: “Damien’s setting off amber alerts all over Katapesh!”
Damien: “I swear, I thought she was 13!”

DM: “OK, it’s your turn to deflate the mushroom.”
PC: “I’ve got some herbs for that.”

“You’re bringing along 12-year-old girls, you’re ratting out the party – you’re really pushing the bounds of Lawful Neutral here!”

“Dude! We’re in an enclosed space here! My mouth was open and everything.”

DM: “Behind you? A wall of rubble. In front of you? ADVENTURE!”

“I know this is going to sound bad, but in my experience it’s easier to run down and catch a 26-year-old girl than it is to run down and catch a 12-year-old girl.”

“WAIT WAIT WAIT did Les just show concern for an NPC??”

“We’re taking the 12-year-old girl to a snake-woman’s poison den??”

“You so humble, Macho Mandalf!”

“You’ll pay for the whole seat, but you’ll only use the edge!”

“In every bite of ‘transient jerky,’ there’s a little bit of ‘filtered water’.”

PC1: “It’s an everything bagel!”
PC2:: “It was in the trash!”
PC1: “It’s a *more* than everything bagel!”

“When you say ‘Treat Poison’ do you mean ‘End Her Suffering’?”

“I’ve read the module and I *still* don’t know what to do!”

“One man’s Medicine check is another man’s attack roll.”

“I only *wish* that my biggest problem was not having enough breakfast cool-whip.”

3-27-22, Traveller

“I sure hope this truck’s not a stick shift.”

“So… this *isn’t* one of the guys we’re taking alive?”

“Once they find out how much penis I have, they’ll be willing to deal.”

3-25-22, Strange Aeons

“Big Elib just connected two rats to Pharasma’s wifi.”

Barbarian PC: “So, you didn’t actually find any information, but you found information *about* information.”

3-20-22

DM: “Imagine a sphincter about two to three feet wide…”
PC: “I’d rather not.”

3-6-22, A Teams

PC1: “Can you do damage with a bent sword?”
PC2: “Some women prefer it!”

“That’s what happens when you drink and fish at the time.”

3-5-22, QwtCs

Barbarian, encountering an illusion: “Even the lice in my beard are horrified!”

3-4-22, Strange Aeons

“You were phhhhhhhucking wrong.”

PC1: “I love the sound of screaming children.”
PC2: “You do?”
PC1: “You enjoy your day, I’ll enjoy mine.”

“Ah, the old ‘reverse c-section’.”

“I think those guys had fetus envy.”

“I’m glad none of us are good people!”

2-27-22, Traveller

NPC: “Where is your arm?”
PC: “It detaches.”

2-25-22, Age of Ashes

“I’m the black sheep of the family. I’m also an only child.”

“I smell your tinkle, Katapeshians!”

“He went full Yukon Cornelius on the dung cart.”

PC1: “That’s not really a great credo: ‘twelve seconds of excitement!'”
PC2: “It was our first time.”
PC3: “Just wait until next time!”
PC4: “We’ll do a lot better!”

“I’m gonna Helen Keller this spider!”

“Welcome to the crossbow show!”

“Their faces may be gone but those asses are forever.”

“Hand me that flour sifter – this is my moment to SHINE!”

2-20-22, BDC

PC1: “It can’t be a beholder – that would be a copyright infringement!”
PC2: “You tell him that!”

“I’ve got a new appendage – it’s my face hand!”

Paladin: “You need a hand?”
Rest Of Party: [groans]

“Got get in some time with the Big I.”

Wow, self-Verm? That’s rare!”

2-19-22

“I’m coming over there and then *you’ll* be the one that’s big boned!” [pause] “Wait, that came out wrong.”

“Hey boys, the back door’s open!”

2-18-22

DM: “Is that guy there a good guy?”
All PCs: “Yeah.”
DM: “Ok, he’s fucked.”

“It’s easy to be brave when you’re playing someone else’s character. I’m the bravest mofo out there!”

“If it’s wrong to talk about putting a dice-shaped ice cube up my butt? I don’t want to be right.”

Ranger, reading up on his abilities: “Hey! I can predict the weather!”

“Try using the sharp side…?”

“There’s that fucking monk! He’s *inventing* shit!”

“Field commission, Private Shithead!”

“One half-ass drow could knock us all out of fuck!”

2-13-22, B Team

“Me? I just put arrows in shit.”

“I’m going to go with what my character would do, not what I think is smart.”

“Let it go, you little bitches!”

2-12-22, Strange Aeons

“That fetus doesn’t have any pockets.”

“I have an… inhibition, against walking around as a tiefling bomb.”

“It’s a chastity belt for chemists!”

“If someone comes up to you bearing a fetus in a jar? You get out of the way.”

2-11-22, A Team

“No one’s going to say anything if I engage in a little necromancy.”

2-6-22, A Team

“You can tell that Jeff Bezos is an abyssal.”

“That girl’s cheese has slid off her cracker.”

“Gato did something! We need to put this on the calendar.”

“Does anyone else find it disconcerting that we find ourselves in a prison and all we have are touch spells?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my giant teeth.”

2-4-22

“You know… if we let the engineer die, we double our silver daggers.”

“Stop rescuing us!”

“Old-fashioneds and friend chicken, that was pretty much the entirety of the Civil War.”

“And the human is a…?”
“Human.”

“Dwarven underpants?” “It’ll *make* you gag, but you can’t really use it as a gag.”

“Hey, why is there a wallet in the refrigerator?”
“So I don’t forget it.”

“Hey! I almost got eaten by a *flower*!”

1-30-22

“Good guys knock, right?”

1-29-22, Strange Aeons

“Death In The Afternoon? They’re like mimosas for weirdos.”

“Are we running amok?”
“I will let you know when we reach that level of amok-ness.”

Ranger: “I’m going to unsheath my gladius…”
Other PCs: [general laughter]

Arcanist: “There is magic emanating from inside the woman’s abdomen.”
Cleric: “There’s magic in *every* woman’s abdomen.”

1-27-22

PC1: “Come brother! We must avenge our father!”
PC2: “Our father was an asshole.”
PC1: “Yes! But he’s our asshole!”

1-23-22, Traveller

“These are the best drugs ever! First I feel great, now it’s raining ammo!”

“As you know, a normal dog will react very positively to a tiger penis. But a fungus dog…?”

“I know he wants to be a hero… but he owes me money!”

1-22-22, BDC

“We’re still in ‘pre-TPK’ mode.”

“Their blood is on our hands.”
“Well, really, it’s on our boots.”

“Tell Desna she can kiss my taint!”

“Bring forth the dagger!”

“Two evils make a good, right??”

“You need more than two to have an ‘army’ of zombies.”

“Hey: where’d Peaches go?”

“There’s always time for touching.”

“What is that, beaver squeezins? Yeah? Then give me a second helping!”

“I’m just looking over my poison larder, and I’ve got a lot.”

“You guys are doing the ‘Rock Ridge’ ploy??”

“Centaurs can’t climb trees – that’s why they have bows.”

1-17-22

DM (as NPC): “It is odd that a Cleric is chosen to wield an artifact in the guise of a longsword. Can you explain that?”
PC: “I’m cool that way.”

DM: “Your party is encouraged to leave the bar and go to the temple so as to arrive before the congregation gathers.”
Player 1: “Oh man, I need to get some caffeine.”
Player 2: “Who sobers up for church? What, are you Methodist?”